i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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