He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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