I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
