ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
