My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
