you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
