omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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