I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
