i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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