I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
