I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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