The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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