Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Randomize
