I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
