The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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