I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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