i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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