why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
