Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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