Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
