a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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