hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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