Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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