I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
