so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
