Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
