I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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