So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
