I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
