absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
