i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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