its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
