Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
