I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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