I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
