How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
