I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
