If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
