How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize