you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
why do cheetos always look like penises
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
