i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
