I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
