was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
