Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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