after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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