life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
