So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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