ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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