The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My vagina is officially offended.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
