8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
