well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
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