my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
