Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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