I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
