Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
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ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
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You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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