After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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