I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
