The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
