i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
But theres a keg here and me gusta
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
